ANSWER:Since I became a Leafs fan I lost my sex drive… cause they fuck me every night!

Old joke, but yes, I say poke away at the team who refuses to learn.  Makes me sad though that we don’t get to experience fun things like sports riots.  I’ve been waiting for drunken Leafs fans to spray paint two giant circles at the bottom of the CN tower for years!  …guess it’s up to me.

2) Herb ASKS: What’s your favorite meal?

ANSWER: Currently I’m obsessed with FRESH in Toronto.  Fave item, the Italian bowl, off the apps menu with tofu steaks and their house dressing.  Straight up, eating good foods gives you more energy, and helps your body heal, so I’m all up on it.

3) Val Kearney ASKS: Who would win in a fight, mythical Jesus, or Gigantor?

ANSWER: Clearly mythical Jesus.  He’s a zombie that can’t be killed, with an army of disciples, hoes, and old Italian ladies who I assume would throw stale buns and try to stuff Gigantor full of food till he bursts.   Duh.

4) Darcy Widdis Esq. ASKS: fucking magnets, how do they work?

ANSWER: I don’t see how fucking magnets COULD work.  I mean, I get that they’re drawn to each other, but if the wrong side gets close they’ll just fly apart so sex could get tricky.

5) Alana Bostock ASKS: How did this injury affect your personality? How did it affect your relationships? Did you see a drastic change in yourself from the person you were before the injury to the person you are now coming out of it?

ANSWER: Woah, big answer.  Let’s divide it by best part of the alphabet song.

a) It feel it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have a chronic injury or chronic pain and it NOT affect your personality.  Just the chronic pain, aside from all the other lovely “body changes” I’ll call ‘em, is like having someone constantly throwing water balloons full of evil at you…. All the time.  I feel like Super Mario just tryin to get to the flag at the end, and all these asshole ghosts, and turtles, and fire shooting plant heads are slowin my roll.  It’s distracting, to say the least, and puts you’re tolerance for other people’s “issues” and bs very low.  …even Mario snaps and jumps on their heads.

b) Relationships?!  HA!  I’d like you to know that my bed, my couch, my magic bag, and I have never been tighter thank you very much!  I believe the term “socially crippling” would best describe it.  Chronic injury is like an abusive partner; takes over your life, won’t let you see your friends, tells you you suck everyday, and just won’t leave you alone, even when you’re over it already.

c) Did I see a drastic change?  YES.  Am I out of it yet, NO, but I’m trying damn hard.  Before my accident I never had to worry, about anything really.  I did what I want, went where I wanted, wore heels to the grocery store, and was really fearless.  After the accident, I became afraid of everything, because almost everything I loved doing before, hurt… a lot, and I was always afraid of getting hurt again, or more, or getting in another accident, which is the opposite of me.  I saw so many physical changes this would turn to an essay, but I can tell you that the way I’ve changed the most in a positive way is:

*I have no intentions of taking other people’s bullshit, or excepting anyone else’s limitations ever again.  I used to try to fit in to what people wanted me to be, held back sooo much, like honestly you’ve only seen say 10%, and apologized for my gifts.  Then I woke up one day and didn’t have ‘em, heck, I didn’t have some basic skills.  One could argue they were taken away until I appreciated them.  So, better or not, I’m comin back, and we WILL have a blast.

*You can overcome ANYTHING. I’m not better, and from what my docs express, they have no way to get me better, the road to slight recovery from where I am is long and winding, and I’m likely to get worse as time goes on.  Disc disease at one injury point, disc protrusion at another, a whole laundry list of other fancy sounding things, and I’m left with the decision to give up on life, or to say “yo fate, I know why I’m here, I see your challenge, and I raise you a middle finger.”

I really don’t see an option.  I need to fight.

*AND, most importantly, I’m over fake people.  SOOO over them.  They are negative magnets, and horrible, and a waste of your life force, and that became really clear to me.   Unhappy people are mean people!  Know someone who talks shit about your other friend behind their back?  Guess what, they do it to you too.   People want you to be part of the collective haterade?  They’re assholes that’ll turn on you in a second.  They’re NOT the cool kids, they’re insecure dogs rabid with jealousy who don’t want you to succeed and are therefore irrelevant.  AND, you can’t buy awesome, (unless in LA Gear remake form, WHICH I have thx LA Gear).  Be real, be genuine, do your thing, and cheer people on.  …everything else will follow.

6) Sheena ASKS: What’s you favorite brand of clothing ? And why ?

ANSWER: La Senza!  Honestly, I love sexy undies, and cute jimmies, and fluffy slippers, and their yoga wear.  With clothes I’m all over the place, but I will never turn down a La Senza shopping trip.  It’s girl heaven!

7) Shannon Grehan ASKS: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ANSWER: Obviously doing awesome/ hilarious TED talks on the advancement of pain management, how I healed myself through positive thinking, and how to cheer your way through anything.   Amongst everything else!

Bill Manclark ASKS: What do you think about the coffee wars? Are you on Team Timmies, Team Mickey D’s or do you care?

ANSWER: I quit coffee cold turkey when I found out an acidic body can’t heal just over a month back.  Lame, I know.  But when it does come to the coffee, McD’s tastes like sewage water.  You can make the cup as big as you want, or even make it free, but you’re still serving me swage, and that’s a dick move McDick’s.

9) Mark Corkum ASKS: if you had the chance to be a producer and a lead in a movie, who would you choose as your fellow cast and what would the movie be about?

ANSWER: I will BTW, the full cast is TBD, def some unsung amazing comics I know, and Morgan Freeman, as himself.

10) Rick Zotzman ASKS: What is the one question you wish people would as?

ANSWER: Can I buy a top with a pic of your super cute cat on it?  To which I’d say hells yes.  AND, May I give you a high five if I see you out?  …which would also be a hells yes.

WHEW!  Round one of question time complete!  Wuddya say we do this online and on video next time?!!

Thanks for the questions, #GOTEAM,

Nicole xo

Straight up, this blog is NOT about religion, another one will be, but this isn’t that one.

This blog is about GOD, and the realization, no the remembrance, that there’s a plan for all of us. We know it, we feel it, but we still doubt it.

But Nicole, I don’t believe in God, we all came from some random space ejaculation of…

Just stop right there.

If you, yes you person reading this, REALLY believes that my fingers moving on this keyboard right now to type my thoughts, as I think them, or to play piano and make music that can change the listeners mood in an instant, comprised of tiny little bones, and nerves, and muscles, and blood, and skin, are the leftovers of some universal fender bender, you are a self righteous, a-hole, I’m surprised you figured out how to use a computer to read this, and you are excused.

Now, for the rest of us who aren’t trying to sound cool when talking to drunk hipster girls, and KNOW this isn’t all an accident, I offer these thoughts…

When you think back to grade school and remember what you were good at, other than peeing, nose picking, and such… that’s you, and that’s who you were meant to be.

I sucked at painting, hated math unless it was about money, and got in trouble for being a smart ass making my class laugh.

I was in every activity I could sign up for, loved sports, English, and being creative, and would write plays that I’d choreograph my peers in and we’d later perform ‘em for the school.

My parents were embarrassed that I’d sell tickets for 10cents to my neighbours and their friends to come see my shows in the backyard.  And when I had a lemonade stand, I wore my favourite bikini to help sales. It was Dick Tracy, and had suspenders, and I sold out.  And one year, when I got a Barbie camper for Christmas, I screamed “A change room,” and put all the little matching costumes I was making in it.  I did NOT play camping with it, ever.

You ARE who you were.  You ARE who you were sent here as.  Any deviation from your natural “God-like” state will only result in pain, and a shitty life.  That is you, and that’s who God wants you to be.  And while I’m here, yes, gays ARE born that way.  I called out some kids and a cousin when I was 5, and all of them are out and in musicals now.

Of course throughout the last few years dealing with my injuries, I got REAL pissed at God.  Why in the hell would you give me all this drive, and all these gifts, and then just cut it off?  Like really, WTF!  Then I recently remembered, the pic my Mom took of me in the tub with a banged up face when I was like 4.  I tried to jump off the picnic table to fly like superman cause my brother was doing it.  I was fearless, I got hurt, and a few days later, I was laughing about it.  GOD gave me my get back up and ‘turn it into material’ attitude, and he didn’t forget about me when I was jumping off the table or in my car accident, he was training me.

God is the coach, and he trains us hard so we’re ready for the big games.  If things always went our way, if we always won, we’d never learn!

Now, do I think a diagram woulda been just as effective as a car accident… um maybe, but, my coach has been doing this for a really long time, and he’s made every single champion that’s ever existed.  So, I’m just gonna leave it to him.

Now you?

The dreams you had as a kid, that was your treasure map to follow.  If you settled down to get a steady paycheck, I don’t fault ya, bills gotta be paid, but I really believe that God didn’t give you the wrong map, and it’s never too late.

Your dream was to be a spaceman?  Enroll in a program at NASA, join a stargazing club, do anything you have to to get back with your true peers.

And when you do, and you get that giddy hyper 5 year old feeling, know that God just gave you a high five.

This blog is dedicated to all the friends who have helped me over the last few years.  Ya’ll have been Godsends. xo

LESSON 2)  BE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO.

Well, as I’m sure a lot of you who follow me on my social networking sites, or have seen my “Confession” video know, I was in a car accident over 3 years ago that completely changed the course of my life forever.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: After one of my stand up shows I went to do karaoke with a friend, was getting out of the taxi, and we were rear ended.

Overnight, I went from being a professional dancer, choreographer, and athlete most of my life, spending up to seven days a week in dance rehearsals, and training on my off days, (this between my stand up and tv bookings,) to barely being able to walk or turn my head without feeling like I was going to throw up… AND I had to hide it, which made it 100% more stressful.

And yup, over the last few years, and even today, I have the “OPTION” of giving up my life long ambitions, accepting defeat, (which to ANY athlete is letting injury take em out) and going on disability until I eventually expire a bitter old woman….

…but what the hell kinda ending is that?!!!

I’ve watched thousands of movies, and seen TONS of plays and musicals, and that is the shittiest ending I have EVER heard.  No WAY will Dakota Fanning’s little sister play me in the movie based on my life story if the plot is crap!

So then I asked myself, WHAT WOULD RAPPERS DO?  And if movies have taught me anything, and really, they’ve taught me everything, I HAVE to face my freestyle battle, or the LA haters, or re-align my jaw, and keep going no matter what!  That’s the ONLY way I’ll get killer theme music that will eventually win an academy award for both myself and the production team!  IT MUST BE DONE!

I have to be my OWN SUPERHERO!   WE ALL DO!

Looking up to other people is great for direction, but living knowing you never reached your potential because you gave up when the FU Fairy cast a spell on your life, means you didn’t deserve what you wanted in the first place.

If whatever you are going through means you have to work harder, and smarter than the guy beside you… you do it.

If it means, you feel like an outcast for not partying with your friends while your up in the Batcave making super gadgets… so be it!

What I propose we do is identify what’s holding us down, find our Kryptonite, then turn around, drop out spandex pants, and moon it.

Strut right up to your tears and fears and say:

“Not sure if you know this, but I’m <insert your name here> and I can’t be stopped.  Not you, or anyone, or even a car and a pissed off spine can stop me because I am a superhero. I adapt, I adjust, I win, and that’s ALL I do.”

This last year, I finally learned that the harder the lessons, the faster we learn.  None of us are immune to the left hooks life throws us, and it’s only when we give up, when we throw in the towel and admit defeat, does the bad guy win.

LESSON:

We are unstoppable.  We are invincible.

Let’s be our OWN superheroes.

1) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, GO WITH YOUR GUT.

It sounds so simple, and we’ve all heard it, but how many times have you told yourself, “I saw that coming,” or “knew that would happen,” or “I had a bad feeling about this?”

I’m here to tell ya, YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

There’s this ridiculous theory that knowing you’re right and sticking to your guns makes you a “know it all”, or “bossy”, or “difficult,” and I firmly believe this was created by an insecure twit who couldn’t make decisions, so wanted other people to feel like they can’t either.  So ya, it was probably a Fox News anchor, or at least backed by them.  Baaaaaa… I mean… moving on.

We all have a sixth sense.  I don’t mean being able to see a dead Bruce Willis, I mean intuition, and gut reactions, and when we don’t listen to them, we put ourselves in harms way.

Never forget, the highly inappropriate, but equally awesome musical lesson, “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammal!”

It’s true!  And we have instincts!

Do ya think a squirrel thinks twice about running away from a car because it might hurt it’s feelings?

Do ya think a shark hesitates before eating whatever it wants?  Hells to the no!  And we shouldn’t hesitate either!

In the last few years I have second guessed myself so many times it’s embarrassing.  I had a “minor” concussion from my car accident a few years ago…

(NOTE: I find the term “minor” offensive because it implies small, or not serious, or not pro.  How can anyone say, your head, the thing that stores the organ that makes you a living person has been injured, and now you keep accidentally showering with your clothes on like your in a wildly sexy yet confusing music video, but THAT isn’t serious?  A “minor” concussion also put Sidney Crosby out of commission for months, and changed the way hockey is played… forever.  FOOLS.)

Sooooo, I was disoriented for months, have had strangers telling me how to take care of myself, or literally helping me take care of my other injuries for years now, and it really ruptured my senses.  So, I stopped listening to my gut, and it got me in trouble over and over and over again.

For example, I worked with an agent I didn’t believe was really capable of doing the job, and gave me that “Be my friend or I will snap on you” vibe. Why the hell would you do THAT Nicole?  I dunno, because they wanted a shot, was a friend of a friend, and I thought maybe I was wrong about them!  Man, that does sound like a dumb way to make a decision.  Oh ya, head injury.  Anyways, I figured people have helped me along the way, pay it forward right?  Well… I was right.  Unfortunately, they we creating a lot of FML moments for me, were a total Pinocchio, and it was like I had an abusive boyfriend, who yes, also made awkward passes at me.   AND, like the stupid abused girl, I ended up staying longer than I should have JUST to avoid their Housewives of everywhere random emotional breakdowns,  and Jersey Shore Whore circa first season antics.

Well, the Shore came anyways.  When I tried to politely leave the agency, they attempted to steal my web domain, went stalker styles standing on my corner for no reason, and even went so, “I’m a bad human”, far as to give a lie-ridden statement to my insurance company about my on-going injuries, which I believe should be punishable by Medieval style banishment.  I told ya, after school special: “if I can’t have you, I’ll make your life hell”, creeper agent, who could rival a 13 year old with 7 kids, but still won’t stop having unprotected sex with drug dealers as the gong-showiest guest on Maury.

But, it’s my own damn fault.  They had that I study Saw movies for ideas look in their eye, and I ignored it to be polite! LAME Nicole, Very LAME!  But,

POSITIVE OUTLOOK: They’ll be great to base a character off in my tv series one day.  …which will likely have to be on SHOWCASE based on MY kinda adventures.

LESSON #1 FINALLY LEARNED IN 2011: Shoulda listened to you in the first place little cricket,

ALWAYS LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE!

The best present ever, is you being on my team.

Here’s to a Happy, Safe, and full of Silly Holiday Season.